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Saturday, September 3rd, 2016
1:00 am - it hasn't been 3 years.....
has it?

(See ya in the pit...)

Thursday, December 26th, 2013
4:55 pm - Hello Live Journal! You old friend you :)

So I always have Live Journal at the top of my bookmarks, and in the back of my mind, but rarely do I ever get the gumption to actually log in and type away.  Seems like I have gone from posting twice a day every day (like 15 years ago! *crazy) to once every 6 months.  It is okay though.  My paper journal is equally as ignored.  And I haven't read a novel in absolutely forever.

So reading through the last year's worth of entries (haha, okay, the last three entries)  I wanted to take a moment and update a few things....

Even though I haven't put aside the time and patience to fixing the sewing machine, Lynore (the pooch) finally has a comfy store bought bed.  Not that this stops her from sleeping where she pleases, it at least gives us a good reason to kick her not-small butt out of bed at night lol....

The rug I was hand making still has plenty of materials in a bag in a spare closet, but the parts I already constructed look pretty damned cool underneath houseplants and such.  Nice nice :)

Fence still hasn't been mended.  Hopefully this next year.  It NEEDS some serious tlc or else it won't last much longer.

Christopher surprised me with hotels for Kolleen's wedding.  While we almost missed it, and changed in the parking lot, it was nice to see her on her wedding day.  Gosh I love that girl.  And in a few months she will be a mommy!!  crazy!

So the vacation time I took for her wedding I ended up having to come back into work early.  I think it solidified that I need a new job that week.  This place is toxic.  I cashed in my last vacation week and ended up getting new tires with the money.  Silly!!  My tires cost more than my car!! :)

During the trip to visit Kolleen we checked New Jersey and NYC off the list of New England states to visit.  So that was nice.  Lots of driving.

And I also got a map of the USA, figured I should explore my 'home' a bit while the pets are still with me before I end up looking the world in the face.

Saw Rancid in September, so that marks kick ass live musika off the list.... See ya in the pit! :)  hahaha

And we went to the Ohio State Reformatory the place where they shot the movie Shawshank Redemption, so that was a nice Ohio Adventure :)

So it is almost 2014 and I plan to start the new year off with a bang :)
January 3rd will be my last day as a Security Supervisor at 88 East Broad Street.  My new years resolution is to get my life back.  To have time on my side.  To no longer spend my life working, to work in order to support a life.  I know every job has it's trials and tribulations, but this is long long long over due.

To write again.
Hang out with the dog.

I know it sounds silly, but this step I hope to help expand a road to solace.  88 East Broad street has stripped me of my 20's and my individuality.  2014 I will reclaim myself within myself.  Do some personal inventory.  Have myself back and be free to be myself.

Hopefully all will be well :)

current mood: restless

(5 Gutter Punks | See ya in the pit...)

Friday, June 7th, 2013
8:11 pm - Roadblocks

Recently I have been feeling incredibly ROADBLOCKED

And I am not sure what to do.  Not sure what steps to take to no longer receive roadblocks.  I know a wise person once said we only get roadblocked to show ourselves who and what we actually want in our lives.  Not sure how to find those steps and take them either.

I wanted to...

Type in LiveJournal
      I have a psycho dog who needs me from solid thought and removes all typing ability with a swipe of a paw

Make a Dog Bed
      But i can't figure out my sewing machine and am losing so much patience and not sure how to make the f'ng thing work.  Don't want to pay somebody to do it for me.  Feel a little stupid for not being able to figure it out on my own.  Have had the idea of taking it apart and putting it back together.  Not sure if I have the substance needed to clean it.  Or the eyes for it.

Make a Rug out of yarn
      Started to.  Kind of neat.  Initially didn't turn out how I had imagined.  I realized it is never going to be okay as a rug.  A vacuum would murder the thing.  And it is too delicate to really fuck with at all.  Cats would ruin it.  And it would get so damned hairy that I would end up being pissed and throwing away hours of work.  It is still in my house though.  Just have much leftover supply.  Multiple pieces.

Mend my fence
       But the hardware I got to do so isn't going to work.  And it is going to be the removal of a lot of rusty items.  And it isn't a project I want to do alone.  Sounds lonely and boring.
Paint cinder blocks and plant potatoes in them
      The paint is pooling off.  There are slugs hanging out beside.

Go to Kolleen's wedding
    This one hurts a lot.  And I feel badly.  And I will never forgive myself.

Be in Kolleen's wedding

Stop Smoking
    I felt my imminant death.  Life has been way too stressful to quit something I don't want to quit.  Just know I need to.

Make a Daisy Patch
      But I can't afford it.  And I have work daisy's which are tainted with disdain.

Save my Kittie's life
      Figgy I wanted and hoped and am so so sorry... So sorry

Eat Pizza tonight
      But now I want pears

Wear the Purple Dress somewhere fancy
      I should have worn it every day

Live Happily Ever After with my kitties and puppies and lover

Backpack through Europe
      It just isn't time

Put in an application tonight.
      I can't figure out the application... how to edit my document.  To

Get new tires on my car

Get out of debt this year 2013

Travel somewhere exciting and fun
      This I will do.

Write my little fricking heart out
      And I have been so dry... so dry.  A pen feels like work.
work is kicking my ass.  it is kicking my ass so hard.  I want something new and different and nothing like what I currently do.  But I keep telling myself I can't take a paycut.

Eat a lovely yummy dinner

Rearrange the house
  It's too heavy to do myself.

Make the basement nice and happy
      So much work!!!

Start new and fresh

dont think this is possible anymore.

I need a new belt
and credit cards paid off
and money
and a more reliable vehicle... love you flora

and a release
a massage

cigarettes keep disappearing
and I keep my focus on impossible rediculous conclusions
i care about typos nowadays
and the 'correct' form of communication
and the convenant thing to do instead of the RIGHT thing.

I want to keep my opinions to myself but be heard.  I am tired of conflict.  Conflict self induced and conflict over people and things and stuff

I shouldn't be doing SOMETHING... always it seems.  and i transfer that energy.  its quite negative and poor and unsightly.  my lack of give a shit.  my worn and tired.... socks and belt and shoes and hair and eyes and voice and attitude and habits.

I like this computer for typing, but not for working office on.  How to figure out the direction towards getting a word fucking document.  AH the stars just don't align with the path i am attempting down.  maybe i just need to put myself out there in a different level.  create little gems all around me.  try to find something that ISNT a gem and in doing so realize everything is one???  too unrealistic??

All I want to do is go home and not think. not feel.  just be done. no phonecalls.  no expectations.  no confrontations.  nothing needed from me.  i need a vacation alone.

i think i really do.  just need a vacation alone.  just me and the earth and my feet bare upon it.
i need new and fresh again.  i need something easy to fall in my lap that i can play with and nuture and let become my own.  i need a motivationspiritbaby.

i need inspired.  i need my goodness to become an inspiration for somebody else.  i wish to be gentle and kind and feisty and forgiving and everything a person should be in order to become a good spirit.

my spirit is nervous
and tempered
and splintered.

      Today I am Grateful for ................... home

(See ya in the pit...)

Saturday, May 25th, 2013
9:49 pm - The end of May
Deep emotions in the air tonight.  Thick air.  With smoke and germs and heartache.

(See ya in the pit...)

Wednesday, July 25th, 2012
7:49 am - lists
List of Stufff to Do

  • Put black fabric out front

  • Rock Pillage!

  • Expand Garden

  • Rip out basement carpet

  • Lay basement tile stuff

  • Visit New England/East Coast States:

  • Maine

  • New Hampshire

  • Vermont

  • Massachusetts

  • Connecticut

  • Rhode Island

  • New Jersey

  • Delaware

  • Alabama

  • Mississippi

  • Go on an Ohio Adventure

  • Get certified in something

  • Take a class in school

  • Purchase (at least 3) business outfits

  • Job Hunt!

  • Learn how to skateboard without hurting myself

  • See some kick ass live musika!

  • Get a map of the USA

  • Get a world map/globe

That is enough for now... perhaps I will add to as time goes :)

current mood: sleepy

(See ya in the pit...)

Monday, July 23rd, 2012
6:26 am - Yawnnn
Good morning live journal. It has been a while. My paper journals haven't been filling up very often. My soul is at slight unrest. And guess what??? I am at work!! Big flipping surprise there.

A month and I will be in Rhode Island. Beach. Sand. Plane Ride. Kolleen.
It has been way too long since I have said my hello's to the ocean.

How are you doing live journal? I hope you haven't missed me too much. :)


current mood: sleepy

(1 Gutter Punk | See ya in the pit...)

Saturday, March 27th, 2010
11:27 am - yawn
a 16 hour day at work. i am not even half way through, but im already really kinda totally done. im tired and my body didn't sleep enough last night and im hungry and tired. getting bored, but thank goodness i brought my real-life journal and desolation angels with me.
i have updated my to-read list.
played too much kingdom of loathing.
i have a list of ohio adventures to have.
and i have now made a step towards a post at live journal. hooray!

ive come to a standstill in life. i want to explore the united states and move out of this city to another (somewhere west) and while talking to the boytoy about this he stated he wants to stick around east because of his mother's health, and i completely understand. i want to be around in case anything happens to my family as well. but this makes me question whether i should look into buying a house and save money for vacations until the time comes that i can leave this side of the country, or if that is just going to procrastinate things more. like- there is his mother. but after his mother there is his brother, and his sister, and his nephews and nieces. should i just go and hope he will want to come with? should i wait and hope that later on in life timing will be better?


i just want to explore the world around me. its just a question of whether that would be easier if i was planted here taking vacations or if i was elsewhere discovering the area around me. dogs are another thing. its like- i could have a plane ticket for a family emergency but who would watch the puppies while we are gone.

sometimes i wish i could just sit back and enjoy the roses before i cut them down, make them smelly, and destroy my garden

current mood: sleepy

(See ya in the pit...)

Tuesday, March 9th, 2010
5:16 pm - I am bored
I will probably always be at work while writing. I have plenty of time to kill. I could use a few more websites other than Kingdom Of Loathing, Post Secret, and LiveJournal. Oh well. I see many different breeds of people while working downtown. My job is people watching heaven. I deal with a fair share of Suits & Ties, as well as the vagrant bums who try to sell newspapers for money. They get 50 cents on the dollar. It really is a good gig. It gives them pocket cash, a chance to build a resume, and work to put on a low-income-housing application. Annoying never-the-less. However many meatheads and shitforbrains I deal with on a daily basis, it always offends me when people refer to others as 'weird'. Perhaps it is because I am weird. Perhaps its not. Bothersome.

A 14.5 hour day.
7am until 930 pm.
It is 335 right now. I am halfway through. More than.

What a beautiful day. I am not fairing well with my workday. I do not want to work. I do not want to be here. Only a few more days and then I have an entire (non-paid) week off!!! Hopefully it will be sunny and warm and sunny and all of the snow in the alley will be melted.

I can tell when tenants in this building live in suburbia. They say all the snow has melted and their cars are always shiny. Good luck with that in the city. Urban dwellers do not have luxuries of even streets that are always plowed. Off street parking is rare let alone a garage. These people have become so spoiled they don't even realize it anymore.

I am bored. Bored bored bored. And tired. And I just want to go play outside with my puppies. But I am stuck. At work. As always.

current mood: blah

(See ya in the pit...)

Saturday, March 6th, 2010
6:21 pm - It has been over a year
I am at work. And if the corporal bastards read this I would probably be fired by corporate :)
but I dont care!@!!
the beauty of learning not to give a shit.
I think I will start typing on this thing more often. Logging in I forgot my username and password. It has been too long.
Hello LiveJournal!
I have missed you.

current mood: bored

(See ya in the pit...)

Thursday, March 27th, 2008
1:40 am - fed ex... at least im not going to mommy and daddy
so around 2 weeks ago a fed ex truck hits my car.

moral of the story? get a fucking liscense plate number. for the love of god.

asking christopher for money went badly tonight. sometimes i wish i could be less sensitive than i am. always. but i ask him for money to get my car back b/c i had to go through my insurance company b/c i didnt get any stupid information from the stupid fedex man. and.... and all i get is a lecture. 'im not lecturing you' well it sure feels that way. wish iw ouldnt have even asked you for anything. but he tells me what i should have done in the situation, and all i know is that i cant do anything about what i did. all i can do is handle the situation i made for myself in the only way i can handle it now. not my fault, right? and not my responisibilty, perse, but totally mine.

tonight he asks me how i am doing. he says he knows that the jill life outside of christopher have to be different, and that he wonders how they are. sometimes i feel like im trying so hard to not break into a million scattered humans, and sometimes i feel like maybe i SHOULD let myself fail. sometimes i feel like i resent life, and i know i shouldnt because it has its pretty moments. and those pretty moments arent pretty without something gross to compare it to. sometimes i wish i could be an eternal optimist, but i CANT. god damn it. i just simply cant. im not that easily persuaded by things. i cant get out of the bubble head that i have sometimes. i cant help it. its my HEAD for gods sake.

im not even sure if im making sense at this point in the night.

im not sure what im trying to post, if anything at all.
my livejournal has become a stupid bitchie wasteful piece of shit. i barely even keep a real journal anymore. what the hell is becoming of me? and he gets pissed b/c i said something about his friendship. i say i should have asked lola for the money and im sorry i even went to him if it was going to end up that way. and he says fine, go to lola. go live with lola. get a fucking apartment with her. and i explain that the reason i asked him was because i needed help from a friend. one friend wont help me then fine ill ask another. and then im a shithead b/c i question his friendship. and then he says its not about the money. obviously it is? b/c if its not then why couldnt i have just gotten a yes? jesus christ jesus christ jesus christ
arguments are stupid and i dont apprechiate them
arguments are childish and i dont like being an infant. babies are stupid.
arguments are lack of love
and i dont like living moments of my life without conviction
i need a new job
i need $250 to get my car out of the god damned bodyshop
i need some fucking conviction again
i need a new outlook
i need
i need
i need
i really dont need much
sometimes i want more than i need..... and i guess that is more painful. its more yearning and more desperate.
but needing doesnt feel nice either. especially when a lecture is involved with the request for help.

current mood: frustrated

(2 Gutter Punks | See ya in the pit...)

Wednesday, March 5th, 2008
3:23 am - wow
how does such a nice evening turn so shitty so quickly? at least 13 hours awake together, and the last hour, hour and a half, has turned spoiled. i question him for his credibility, which is sponsered by a story i hear from another person. and he becomes defensive over questions. this turns out to be a fight. and this fight wont see an end until i say i was wrong. and i dont see questions being wrong.
this is the break
and this is without a mend
daisy and keeto want to leave. too much punch-the-owner. this time of words, not of flesh. this time of asthetics, not of mind or willpower. she is a good girl. i dont want her to want to leave. and she is staring at the front door like it is her only key out. except dogs dont have keys, only humans do. and i dont want a way out when it comes to him, i just want honest answers. and this, this is the part where it becomes tricky. because his initial answer isnt the honest one, its the placating one. and this is my problem. why become defensive over something that is silly? if it is silly, why waste your time and energy?
it started out as such a good night.
it really really did.
last night i rounded a basket of grocery's, and tonight i rerounded, and my card wanted to work. (tonight) we had drinks and food and food and drinks and i voted, with him in the car sniffing and smiling and being genuine and happy
then a question arose, and i presented him with the same question.
why cant i ask him questions that are asked to me?
doesnt he realize if he says something about me, that people are going to ask if it is true or not? and if i am willing to admit it is true, why isnt he? and why isnt he to ME, especially if i am the only person in the world who knows the full truth?
he is in bed right now. he went to be upset, saying if i wanted to continue conversation go upstairs. and i turn on livejournal and write. i have been told to fuck off so many times tonight that i think that might be my only option. and yet sensibilty tells me it is anger. and anger must be slightly skimmed, slightly filtered. yet......... again....... if it wasnt a deal, a big deal, a small deal, a deal at all... why would there be anger?
because i ask questions... this is my answer
because i mind fuck him, this is another one
becuase i question things, not doubt- as i point out. simply question.

in my inner intuition, he wants me out. life would be easier without me. life would be easier without another dog to feed, another mouth to feed, without another brain to consider. life
would be
without me.
perhaps better
but not because of me.

and i havent been angry at all. just inquisitive. just wondering where all of the anger he is expressing is coming from, if it was the truth he was telling me and a silly situation to begin with. why become angry?

if it is the alcohol then he needs to stop drinking. if its the alcohol, then i need to start drinking. if it is the scenerio, then we should stop hanging out. if it is silly, then there is no reason to be angry.

im going nowhere with this. and he agrees. nowhere is where it goes. but it still feels like shit either way. to the both of us. and that is all there really is to say or do about it.

current mood: indescribable

(See ya in the pit...)

Sunday, March 2nd, 2008
6:09 pm - i left my heart
im a mess
cut all my hair
christopher is in tenessee
and last night we didn't really get along
as well as the night before that
and the week before that.
there is so much love there, but when you say love isnt enough, there is definately more. the date didn't go over so well. he was complaining the entire time, and my good mood eventually ruined. and i cant help but think this wouldnt happen if i had just met him. things are relaxing, but im not relaxing with them. date nights have become a great idea, but a bad moment in the making. maybe he would have more fun on a date with somebody else.
i cut all my hair off
so much for dreads
40 dollars in the trashcan.
and my head feels lighter, my brain feels lighter, but im not sure why i have to do these things to myself in order to feel better.
im stuck. so stuck. and kolleen is right when she says i need a way out, and im searching and struggling for one.
am i just not enough? or is this world not enough? or was life never meant to be enough?
its the last one that gets to me. id like to make my own way out, but the only way that i see isnt really a WAY OUT, its more like a bullship promise of a way out. schooling isnt going to make waking up easier. especially when the classes to become whatever the fuck i might want to be, arent enjoyable.
and what do i want to be? who the hell fucking knows. not a cheerleader. not a soccermom. i want to be in europe with a backpack and a million dollars to send me to wherever i want to go. and last night he promises 'we are going to europe'
please dont tell me that unless you have a ticket in your hand. a passport. insurance. a place for the puppies to reside. a body full of vacinations. shoes on your feet. a full pack on your back. THAT is when i want to hear 'we are going'
because we arent going
not now at least
and with the way this world (not life) is taking me, i wont be able to afford such an adventure until i am 35. and he will be 45, and he still wont have regular insurance. he still wont have a second job that doesnt consist of fucking other people. i need change so badly it is driving me insane. and only i can change things. we arent on the same mental plane of existance. i needed this weekend alone. to do some mental inventory. to rearrange the house. to clean out the cuppords. i need some pot, but i have no money. im hungry, but i need money for that too. i feel like i would sell my soul for a hundred dollars, and then be happy that i could no longer feel the need for something different.
what the fuck is wrong with me?
they need a be-better pill. all of the ones i have taken int he past havent done shit for me, and i just want one. to take me out of my brain for alittle while, and into a happy reality.
nothing is bad
i should be happy im in love, that i have a roof over my head, that i have water in my glass, that i have a glass to hold the water, that i have choices and consequences, that my animals are lovely, that my car still runs.
and i am happy of those things
just not happy with the others
and those add up so easily

current mood: uncomfortable

(See ya in the pit...)

Sunday, February 24th, 2008
5:18 pm - francesca is still a goddess... and i need a shower....
i just watched francesca's reading of 'warming'. she is a goddess. always and forever. i dont think she will ever realize how much she has effected so many people with her genuine love of the written word.

i love him more and more. i hope he is as genuine as i let myself beleive he is. is it bad that i lose trust sometimes?
i still love him either way.
how mushy and gross.

life is harder than it needs to be. most of the time. but it is also beautiful and grand and lovely. days off with the ground covered in snow. still. puppies and kitties and a lonely fish in a much larger tank than it had before i saved it from the pet store.

one day i will believe in magic again.

current mood: dirty

(See ya in the pit...)

Monday, February 18th, 2008
11:43 pm - the roads are fucking ice
tanpro seems to be my life, but i only admit to that b/c that is where i spend all of my time. hopefully im not as shallow as half the people who walk into and out of that place. we all have physical qualms as well as physical goals.

current mood: cold

(2 Gutter Punks | See ya in the pit...)

Sunday, February 17th, 2008
3:36 pm - february, right?
the internet is slightly evil. ive never fought so much with him until this point. right here. right now. devotion might have been dead a long time ago, but i wasn't aware faithfullness would join it

current mood: contemplative

(See ya in the pit...)

Thursday, February 14th, 2008
2:50 am - cupid is stupid
im back! crazy

current mood: busy

(See ya in the pit...)

Saturday, December 16th, 2006
1:30 pm - room 15, vertical ultra bed, this is my life
no more catpiss.
yay for no more cat piss.

i fear they hate me. it hasnt even reached the few month mark. and they hate me. life is so touchy. and i am so sensitive.
ramen noodles.

current mood: gloomy

(1 Gutter Punk | See ya in the pit...)

Wednesday, November 8th, 2006
7:18 am - ive seen too much, but not enough.
sometimes life just happens too quickly for mental development.

i find myself groggy as hell today. a day off of work, and i am too sleepobsessed to even change out of these comfy clothes. yes, last night i slept with clothes on. and slept for hours.

hopeless. and not b/c of outside influences. and it isnt BAD. emmyjean and myself discussed it. we keep striving and reaching and feeling like we need to keep going and keep developing whatever it is we personally and individually own. but in all honesty, i am in a place in life that is not argueable. i like the place i live, and enjoy my work enviornment more than i have any other place of employment. i see and very sweet relaxed boy on a regular basis. how can i really expect to receive more? do i even want more?
this will be the year of realizations. reflections without mirrors. this will be the year to forget these physical additions in everyday mental life. goodtimes will prevail over bad, b/c we will let them. and b/c they are there to do so.
everybody always has a complaint.
everybody always is disgruntled.
but we dont need to be.
food shelter water love. that one seems always nonexistant in thier easy three word list. love. without love it seems like life is worthless.
and im trying to date a boy who doesn't even believe in love.
i keep trying to change him in suddel ways. trying to make him slightly more passionate. trying to make him believe in things he can not measure. trying to make him smile in this life of pain. trying to make him adore me when i am not to that level. not personally. not permanately.
i know he is beautiful. if somebody were to say he wasn't i would definately make them realize that they are as worthless as anybody else. but his worth cannot be measured. and either can mine, i suppose.

all i can smell is catpiss. and its getting old. sometiems i feel like i am the only consistant cleaner in this house, and b/c of that i am no longer consistant at all. 'bad association ruins useful habits' the apartment looks clean, but things just seem to move around in circles. slinky and paper towels and chairs. all saturated in catpiss and all in different locations. im not complaining, dont get me wrong. i enjoy coming home. i enjoy and respect my roommates to the utmost degree. this is all that is important to me. truely important. and my room is a haven for myself. these mixtures of human clutter are something i can break away from by going upstairs. to a room with an untouchable boy in it. to a bed with the bars that break your back slowly yet surely. i wonder constantly if he even owns a bed. do you adam? trent from daria with a beard. the same pothead cluelessness that isn't sprung from marijuana. what is it sprung from? maybe closemindedness. condescending. cluefull with ill intent?
i try so hard not to judge him.
i really honestly do.
i am nobody special. nobody. really.
but i do judge him on a daily basis. not in comparison, just in consideration. does tha teven make sence?
to me
to me

in a cage
in a cage

current mood: groggy

(1 Gutter Punk | See ya in the pit...)

Wednesday, October 25th, 2006
3:38 am - myspace sucks
wierd dreams last night. i lay awake watching him sleep. everytime i touch him he wakes up. and grabs a hand to a halt. sometimes i feel worthless in these feeble attempts. the secrete is that i shouldnt have to attempt anything at all. these things should be natural and well adjusted. i must remember that people rarely get what they deserve, and when we do we rarely apprechiate it.
lovely tuesday
lovely october
the lack of leaves on trees makes me sadder than it should.

current mood: blah

(2 Gutter Punks | See ya in the pit...)

Thursday, October 5th, 2006
6:37 pm - autumn
im surprised i can still post on here, its been so long, im not even quite sure how long. but i know its been forever.
cramps are stealing my soul. my entire body feels regected by stupid female shananagins. i want them to take it away. i dont want children. i dont want any of it. so please please for the fucking love of god... vron was right about the warm waterbottle. cheaper than a heating pad, easier than a towel. but a water bottle only goes so far.
thats my story i suppose... this kinda feels weird, but im sure ill be doing it more often now that the internet is handy.

current mood: cranky

(2 Gutter Punks | See ya in the pit...)

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