i find myself groggy as hell today. a day off of work, and i am too sleepobsessed to even change out of these comfy clothes. yes, last night i slept with clothes on. and slept for hours.
hopeless. and not b/c of outside influences. and it isnt BAD. emmyjean and myself discussed it. we keep striving and reaching and feeling like we need to keep going and keep developing whatever it is we personally and individually own. but in all honesty, i am in a place in life that is not argueable. i like the place i live, and enjoy my work enviornment more than i have any other place of employment. i see and very sweet relaxed boy on a regular basis. how can i really expect to receive more? do i even want more?
this will be the year of realizations. reflections without mirrors. this will be the year to forget these physical additions in everyday mental life. goodtimes will prevail over bad, b/c we will let them. and b/c they are there to do so.
everybody always has a complaint.
everybody always is disgruntled.
but we dont need to be.
food shelter water love. that one seems always nonexistant in thier easy three word list. love. without love it seems like life is worthless.
and im trying to date a boy who doesn't even believe in love.
i keep trying to change him in suddel ways. trying to make him slightly more passionate. trying to make him believe in things he can not measure. trying to make him smile in this life of pain. trying to make him adore me when i am not to that level. not personally. not permanately.
i know he is beautiful. if somebody were to say he wasn't i would definately make them realize that they are as worthless as anybody else. but his worth cannot be measured. and either can mine, i suppose.
all i can smell is catpiss. and its getting old. sometiems i feel like i am the only consistant cleaner in this house, and b/c of that i am no longer consistant at all. 'bad association ruins useful habits' the apartment looks clean, but things just seem to move around in circles. slinky and paper towels and chairs. all saturated in catpiss and all in different locations. im not complaining, dont get me wrong. i enjoy coming home. i enjoy and respect my roommates to the utmost degree. this is all that is important to me. truely important. and my room is a haven for myself. these mixtures of human clutter are something i can break away from by going upstairs. to a room with an untouchable boy in it. to a bed with the bars that break your back slowly yet surely. i wonder constantly if he even owns a bed. do you adam? trent from daria with a beard. the same pothead cluelessness that isn't sprung from marijuana. what is it sprung from? maybe closemindedness. condescending. cluefull with ill intent?
i try so hard not to judge him.
i really honestly do.
i am nobody special. nobody. really.
but i do judge him on a daily basis. not in comparison, just in consideration. does tha teven make sence?
in a cage
in a cage