JillyBean (midnight_raven) wrote,

i left my heart

im a mess
cut all my hair
christopher is in tenessee
and last night we didn't really get along
as well as the night before that
and the week before that.
there is so much love there, but when you say love isnt enough, there is definately more. the date didn't go over so well. he was complaining the entire time, and my good mood eventually ruined. and i cant help but think this wouldnt happen if i had just met him. things are relaxing, but im not relaxing with them. date nights have become a great idea, but a bad moment in the making. maybe he would have more fun on a date with somebody else.
i cut all my hair off
so much for dreads
40 dollars in the trashcan.
and my head feels lighter, my brain feels lighter, but im not sure why i have to do these things to myself in order to feel better.
im stuck. so stuck. and kolleen is right when she says i need a way out, and im searching and struggling for one.
am i just not enough? or is this world not enough? or was life never meant to be enough?
its the last one that gets to me. id like to make my own way out, but the only way that i see isnt really a WAY OUT, its more like a bullship promise of a way out. schooling isnt going to make waking up easier. especially when the classes to become whatever the fuck i might want to be, arent enjoyable.
and what do i want to be? who the hell fucking knows. not a cheerleader. not a soccermom. i want to be in europe with a backpack and a million dollars to send me to wherever i want to go. and last night he promises 'we are going to europe'
please dont tell me that unless you have a ticket in your hand. a passport. insurance. a place for the puppies to reside. a body full of vacinations. shoes on your feet. a full pack on your back. THAT is when i want to hear 'we are going'
because we arent going
not now at least
and with the way this world (not life) is taking me, i wont be able to afford such an adventure until i am 35. and he will be 45, and he still wont have regular insurance. he still wont have a second job that doesnt consist of fucking other people. i need change so badly it is driving me insane. and only i can change things. we arent on the same mental plane of existance. i needed this weekend alone. to do some mental inventory. to rearrange the house. to clean out the cuppords. i need some pot, but i have no money. im hungry, but i need money for that too. i feel like i would sell my soul for a hundred dollars, and then be happy that i could no longer feel the need for something different.
what the fuck is wrong with me?
they need a be-better pill. all of the ones i have taken int he past havent done shit for me, and i just want one. to take me out of my brain for alittle while, and into a happy reality.
nothing is bad
i should be happy im in love, that i have a roof over my head, that i have water in my glass, that i have a glass to hold the water, that i have choices and consequences, that my animals are lovely, that my car still runs.
and i am happy of those things
just not happy with the others
and those add up so easily
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