JillyBean (midnight_raven) wrote,
JillyBean
midnight_raven

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wow

how does such a nice evening turn so shitty so quickly? at least 13 hours awake together, and the last hour, hour and a half, has turned spoiled. i question him for his credibility, which is sponsered by a story i hear from another person. and he becomes defensive over questions. this turns out to be a fight. and this fight wont see an end until i say i was wrong. and i dont see questions being wrong.
this is the break
and this is without a mend
daisy and keeto want to leave. too much punch-the-owner. this time of words, not of flesh. this time of asthetics, not of mind or willpower. she is a good girl. i dont want her to want to leave. and she is staring at the front door like it is her only key out. except dogs dont have keys, only humans do. and i dont want a way out when it comes to him, i just want honest answers. and this, this is the part where it becomes tricky. because his initial answer isnt the honest one, its the placating one. and this is my problem. why become defensive over something that is silly? if it is silly, why waste your time and energy?
it started out as such a good night.
it really really did.
last night i rounded a basket of grocery's, and tonight i rerounded, and my card wanted to work. (tonight) we had drinks and food and food and drinks and i voted, with him in the car sniffing and smiling and being genuine and happy
then a question arose, and i presented him with the same question.
why cant i ask him questions that are asked to me?
doesnt he realize if he says something about me, that people are going to ask if it is true or not? and if i am willing to admit it is true, why isnt he? and why isnt he to ME, especially if i am the only person in the world who knows the full truth?
he is in bed right now. he went to be upset, saying if i wanted to continue conversation go upstairs. and i turn on livejournal and write. i have been told to fuck off so many times tonight that i think that might be my only option. and yet sensibilty tells me it is anger. and anger must be slightly skimmed, slightly filtered. yet......... again....... if it wasnt a deal, a big deal, a small deal, a deal at all... why would there be anger?
because i ask questions... this is my answer
because i mind fuck him, this is another one
becuase i question things, not doubt- as i point out. simply question.

in my inner intuition, he wants me out. life would be easier without me. life would be easier without another dog to feed, another mouth to feed, without another brain to consider. life
would be
without me.
perhaps better
but not because of me.

and i havent been angry at all. just inquisitive. just wondering where all of the anger he is expressing is coming from, if it was the truth he was telling me and a silly situation to begin with. why become angry?

if it is the alcohol then he needs to stop drinking. if its the alcohol, then i need to start drinking. if it is the scenerio, then we should stop hanging out. if it is silly, then there is no reason to be angry.

im going nowhere with this. and he agrees. nowhere is where it goes. but it still feels like shit either way. to the both of us. and that is all there really is to say or do about it.
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