JillyBean (midnight_raven) wrote,


Recently I have been feeling incredibly ROADBLOCKED

And I am not sure what to do.  Not sure what steps to take to no longer receive roadblocks.  I know a wise person once said we only get roadblocked to show ourselves who and what we actually want in our lives.  Not sure how to find those steps and take them either.

I wanted to...

Type in LiveJournal
      I have a psycho dog who needs me from solid thought and removes all typing ability with a swipe of a paw

Make a Dog Bed
      But i can't figure out my sewing machine and am losing so much patience and not sure how to make the f'ng thing work.  Don't want to pay somebody to do it for me.  Feel a little stupid for not being able to figure it out on my own.  Have had the idea of taking it apart and putting it back together.  Not sure if I have the substance needed to clean it.  Or the eyes for it.

Make a Rug out of yarn
      Started to.  Kind of neat.  Initially didn't turn out how I had imagined.  I realized it is never going to be okay as a rug.  A vacuum would murder the thing.  And it is too delicate to really fuck with at all.  Cats would ruin it.  And it would get so damned hairy that I would end up being pissed and throwing away hours of work.  It is still in my house though.  Just have much leftover supply.  Multiple pieces.

Mend my fence
       But the hardware I got to do so isn't going to work.  And it is going to be the removal of a lot of rusty items.  And it isn't a project I want to do alone.  Sounds lonely and boring.
Paint cinder blocks and plant potatoes in them
      The paint is pooling off.  There are slugs hanging out beside.

Go to Kolleen's wedding
    This one hurts a lot.  And I feel badly.  And I will never forgive myself.

Be in Kolleen's wedding

Stop Smoking
    I felt my imminant death.  Life has been way too stressful to quit something I don't want to quit.  Just know I need to.

Make a Daisy Patch
      But I can't afford it.  And I have work daisy's which are tainted with disdain.

Save my Kittie's life
      Figgy I wanted and hoped and am so so sorry... So sorry

Eat Pizza tonight
      But now I want pears

Wear the Purple Dress somewhere fancy
      I should have worn it every day

Live Happily Ever After with my kitties and puppies and lover

Backpack through Europe
      It just isn't time

Put in an application tonight.
      I can't figure out the application... how to edit my document.  To

Get new tires on my car

Get out of debt this year 2013

Travel somewhere exciting and fun
      This I will do.

Write my little fricking heart out
      And I have been so dry... so dry.  A pen feels like work.
work is kicking my ass.  it is kicking my ass so hard.  I want something new and different and nothing like what I currently do.  But I keep telling myself I can't take a paycut.

Eat a lovely yummy dinner

Rearrange the house
  It's too heavy to do myself.

Make the basement nice and happy
      So much work!!!

Start new and fresh

dont think this is possible anymore.

I need a new belt
and credit cards paid off
and money
and a more reliable vehicle... love you flora

and a release
a massage

cigarettes keep disappearing
and I keep my focus on impossible rediculous conclusions
i care about typos nowadays
and the 'correct' form of communication
and the convenant thing to do instead of the RIGHT thing.

I want to keep my opinions to myself but be heard.  I am tired of conflict.  Conflict self induced and conflict over people and things and stuff

I shouldn't be doing SOMETHING... always it seems.  and i transfer that energy.  its quite negative and poor and unsightly.  my lack of give a shit.  my worn and tired.... socks and belt and shoes and hair and eyes and voice and attitude and habits.

I like this computer for typing, but not for working office on.  How to figure out the direction towards getting a word fucking document.  AH the stars just don't align with the path i am attempting down.  maybe i just need to put myself out there in a different level.  create little gems all around me.  try to find something that ISNT a gem and in doing so realize everything is one???  too unrealistic??

All I want to do is go home and not think. not feel.  just be done. no phonecalls.  no expectations.  no confrontations.  nothing needed from me.  i need a vacation alone.

i think i really do.  just need a vacation alone.  just me and the earth and my feet bare upon it.
i need new and fresh again.  i need something easy to fall in my lap that i can play with and nuture and let become my own.  i need a motivationspiritbaby.

i need inspired.  i need my goodness to become an inspiration for somebody else.  i wish to be gentle and kind and feisty and forgiving and everything a person should be in order to become a good spirit.

my spirit is nervous
and tempered
and splintered.

      Today I am Grateful for ................... home

  • Post a new comment


    default userpic