JillyBean (midnight_raven) wrote,

fed ex... at least im not going to mommy and daddy

so around 2 weeks ago a fed ex truck hits my car.

moral of the story? get a fucking liscense plate number. for the love of god.

asking christopher for money went badly tonight. sometimes i wish i could be less sensitive than i am. always. but i ask him for money to get my car back b/c i had to go through my insurance company b/c i didnt get any stupid information from the stupid fedex man. and.... and all i get is a lecture. 'im not lecturing you' well it sure feels that way. wish iw ouldnt have even asked you for anything. but he tells me what i should have done in the situation, and all i know is that i cant do anything about what i did. all i can do is handle the situation i made for myself in the only way i can handle it now. not my fault, right? and not my responisibilty, perse, but totally mine.

tonight he asks me how i am doing. he says he knows that the jill life outside of christopher have to be different, and that he wonders how they are. sometimes i feel like im trying so hard to not break into a million scattered humans, and sometimes i feel like maybe i SHOULD let myself fail. sometimes i feel like i resent life, and i know i shouldnt because it has its pretty moments. and those pretty moments arent pretty without something gross to compare it to. sometimes i wish i could be an eternal optimist, but i CANT. god damn it. i just simply cant. im not that easily persuaded by things. i cant get out of the bubble head that i have sometimes. i cant help it. its my HEAD for gods sake.

im not even sure if im making sense at this point in the night.

im not sure what im trying to post, if anything at all.
my livejournal has become a stupid bitchie wasteful piece of shit. i barely even keep a real journal anymore. what the hell is becoming of me? and he gets pissed b/c i said something about his friendship. i say i should have asked lola for the money and im sorry i even went to him if it was going to end up that way. and he says fine, go to lola. go live with lola. get a fucking apartment with her. and i explain that the reason i asked him was because i needed help from a friend. one friend wont help me then fine ill ask another. and then im a shithead b/c i question his friendship. and then he says its not about the money. obviously it is? b/c if its not then why couldnt i have just gotten a yes? jesus christ jesus christ jesus christ
arguments are stupid and i dont apprechiate them
arguments are childish and i dont like being an infant. babies are stupid.
arguments are lack of love
and i dont like living moments of my life without conviction
i need a new job
i need $250 to get my car out of the god damned bodyshop
i need some fucking conviction again
i need a new outlook
i need
i need
i need
i really dont need much
sometimes i want more than i need..... and i guess that is more painful. its more yearning and more desperate.
but needing doesnt feel nice either. especially when a lecture is involved with the request for help.
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